Excuse me while I navel gaze for a moment…
“Somewhere”, it’s not really definite and comes across as perhaps esoteric. Yet, why do I find myself drawn to this descriptor so much so that it’s my blog, twitter and instagram handles?
Perhaps I should go the origin story route: I suppose my desire for “somewhere” lies in a certain delight in expressing depth of meaning in the most obscure of ways.
Back in the day, when I used AIM (this probably dates me) my screenname was onlydeadoncethen, which was meant to be read as, “Only dead once, then.” It was a creative way of talking about the new life I experienced in Christ. I was no longer dead in my sins; I was a new creation; I had new life in the new life of Christ. I blame my other friends for having obscure, deep, succinct screen names like sightsyetunseen; I simply wanted to do something similar, but more obscure and deeper.
I suppose it also lies in my former (and still in me somewhere) penchant for emo, whose lyrics always cloaked ridiculous teenage angst and sentimentality in songs. Sometimes better than others and the good ones made you think that it was really, actually about honest to God love.
In light of all of that, something in me has been tapped. I have a desire to dive deep, to seek truth and determine a way to express it and to do so in creative ways at times.
And so I have landed on “somewhere”.
“Somewhere”, because I don’t ever feel as if I am ever really anywhere, I know I’m not nowhere and so am certain that, on the journey toward the truth, the eschaton, I am somewhere. And on this journey, I feel as if I’m not in one certain, particular place. Instead, I find that I’m often in a myriad of different places, shifting from somewhere over there to somewhere over here, maybe in multiple places at once, and trying to make sense of it all.
Case in point #1, my prior blog, I’ve progressed in or abandoned past thoughts, not that I could say which ones or how, I don’t even recall what I’ve even brought over.
Case in point #2, my major in Human Development and Family Studies which has enhanced how I see all things being somehow connected and those things are each influencing one another in various ways.
Case in point #3, I really like/admire/love Teddy Roosevelt who was a scholar of numerous things and a gentleman, not to mention a rancher, outdoorsman, Colonel, boxer, explorer and whatever else he found himself enjoying.
On this journey I don’t think I’ll ever be able to honestly say that I will have ended up anywhere until the end arrives, after all hindsight is always 20/20. The more I know, the more I realize I do not know and the deeper I go and the more I realize that there is much further to go. I am caught in between where I am and where I’m going and it’s a challenge expressing and understanding the totality of a present moment when the next moment will be different.
Aside from a few core truths that inform my faith and the knowledge that I am somewhere on the proper journey, I feel most confident in claiming where I cannot firmly plant a foot. That’s not to say I don’t or can’t plant a foot, just that when I do, aside from those core truths, there is an uneasiness within me. After all, who knows, perhaps I’ll come back around and think that maybe I ought to plant that foot where I thought I couldn’t or can’t where I did.
Until hindsight, I choose to enjoy the mystery, unsatisfying though it can be at times. I do prefer to know and understand as much as I can. There is fulfillment in realizing that you are certainly somewhere and at the same time not definitively anywhere, though. That’s the beauty of not only claiming that one is on a journey, but realizing what exactly that journey truly feels like, a true a journey where all one has is way points and reference points, but no map that reveals the destination and the path.
I am sure I am somewhere, not specifically anywhere and certainly not nowhere.