So I am scared of my future, it’s really no big deal.
In fact, I’m glad to say that I am, at least I’m a realist. I don’t think we are honest enough with fear. It’s like we want to cover it up, as if it’s bad. There seems to be something wrong with crying out and admitting to fear. We really are a bunch of liars; we go around showing strength and fortitude, and yet we are crying for answers and certainty.
For my Old Testament class we have to read all of the Psalms.
I’ve read the first 50 so far. The one thing I’ve noticed… fear is prevalent. There is so much uncertainty and so much desperation; frankly I’m ashamed of myself. These were written by people not much different than I, I would think, so why don’t I express myself in the same way more often? Why do I enjoy so much writing about theological or political thoughts instead of my fears? I think last semester I had one post in which I was honest about my fears, maybe, MAYBE, two. I never expressed my fear of lack of friends and the misery that I thought that might have been; I never mentioned my fears of making a bad grade and losing grant money; I don’t know why I didn’t do it, I just didn’t.
I could use more fear; I could express it more, at least let myself know that I have absolutely nothing together. I could be like the Psalmists and really cry out, and be scared and know it and be comforted in it. I’m just too good a liar; I like to play pretend and I most definitely like to ignore what I know and instead go the path of haughtiness. I’m not honest with myself in that sense, nor am I honest to the world or God even. I’m a sellout if there ever was one; I’ve sold out to the idea that you have to show strength even in the places where you’re as flimsy as… as… as two year old’s excuse as to what happened to the cookie.
We are not strong, we are not certain. I don’t know how I get along being this way, I don’t know why I haven’t found the strength to admit this to myself and God. I wonder if one has to be content with themselves being sellouts and liars if they don’t believe in God?