I’m scared I might be a seeder/seed planter.
That is I’m scared that in my ministry career I am meant to be one who goes out and sows the message and truth of the gospel, that I go out and teach. There is of course nothing wrong with that, but I am scared that that is all it is meant to be. I’ll be honest, I’d much rather reap what others have sowed; I like harvesting, its “easy” and fun.
Jesus was a seed sower…
Not much, if any, fruit was harvested whilst he was on this earth. I can’t imagine how hard that would have been. Yes, he was/is fully God and so its not much of a big deal from that perspective, but he was also fully man which can mean that he didn’t know that he was going to see his disciples enjoy the fruit of his seeding sowing.
I’m scared that my ministry will be full of planting but no harvesting. I feel like I have seen a lot of that. I have seen the fruit harvested at times, yes, but I wasn’t the one doing the harvesting.
As I listen to myself saying this, I’m frustrated. I’m not trying to delude myself into thinking that ministry of harvest is all hunky-dory, to use a terrible phrase, but I do know there is joy in a ministry of harvest that differs mightily from a ministry of sowing. Sowing is hard work, and you might do it for years without seeing signs of fruit, much less growth. I wonder if I am built for that; I wonder if I have the patience, strength and deep rooted faith in God and his provisions. My fear is that without the sort of joy that comes from harvesting the fruits of ministry that I will run dry of it.
My desire is to revitalize and renew the Methodist church, help it find the zeal that it once had all whilst not losing its deep seated spirituality and luminality. Honestly, as I look forward to what I want to do, the task looks daunting; when a church is as old as the Methodist church, change doesn’t come without a few bruised spirits and returns to the beginning. I wonder if what I am entering into is a church that is ready to change or into a church that needs seeds planted. And if its seeds that need to be planted I wonder if its what I’m made for, or if I am made for something else and won’t realize it till my spirit gets bruised a few times and I begin again a few times.
I’m scared that what I’m made for is not what I’m going for. Maybe its a healthy fear for the work that is set before me. Maybe its a fear that calls me to a deeper reliance on God. Personally, I wish I knew what that looked like; it sure would make the growth a bit easier.