half of my heart

No I’m not thinking of the John Mayer song, but I do like it.  

I was praying through Jeremiah 29:11-14 and this idea of only seeking God with half of my heart hit me hard.  Most often when you look into this passage, only verse 11 sticks out, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” When I first started praying through it, that was what hit me too, but then I verse 13 really started sticking out to me, You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”  

The word translated as heart in the original Hebrew is lebab; it means something far more than what we mean when we speak of heart.  Heart to us is a strong feeling of emotion, some might call it soul, but it does not connote much more than strong feelings and desires.  “I give you my heart,” is an example where we are giving all of our emotions and feelings to someone.   Lebab on the other hand is far more than that; it is more along the lines of whole being, heart, soul, emotions, thoughts, mind, etc.  Everything that someone is is their lebab.  

Luckily, I knew this fact going in and it really opened my eyes.  I often speak of the pride I find in my knowledge, and it yet again rears its ugly head here.  I am only throwing half of my heart in my quest for God more often than not.  I find that when I seek, it is mostly a thought processes: a question of why or how something is, concluding in understanding.  Rarely is it a emotive or physical process, and when it is those, rarely is it ever holistic, it’s always either/or.  This enlightenment frustrates me.  One of my greatest strengths is even more so one of my greatest faults.
This does have a silver lining though; in seminary, I am at a place where thinking takes a high priority, and so when I am wanting to meet God I simply don’t want to do a study or think more.  I am already exhausted of thinking.  What I find myself wanting to do is rest and enjoy – a very physical and emotional thing I have found.  And thankfully my prayer life in this and for this is being blessed.

I wonder though if this is something that will stick with me or if I will default back to my faulty asset.  This is a fear of mine I admit.  I do not want to keep seeking God with half of my heart, because I simply will not fully find him.  I want to seek God with everything so that I can truly enjoy everything of him.  There is a delight that I am finding right now in seeking God with more than my mind through some sort of Scripture study.  This is something that I want to maintain, and whereas I have my fears I also know that God is faithful.

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