Or at least it feels that way. One thing about this whole life circumstance right now is that I feel totally unsettled; it seems like the biggest, most drawn out transition.
Of course graduating college into the worst job market in recent history felt that way as well, but at least I was living with 3 unemployed guys who shared my misery! Eventually though I was able to find some footing and get settled, to an extent I guess you could say, but then seminary comes. So this is where I am now and I look ahead to June and I am getting married. In the span of 3 years 3 major life changes have happened. And all I want to do is get settled, but I feel like I won’t be able to for another 7 months! This is definitely frustrating, especially when I feel like my grades and thus scholarships are hanging in the balance.
When I was in my extended transition after graduating UNCG I was frustrated but only because I didn’t know where I was going or how I was going to get there and pay for it. That sort of looking out and seeing yourself on the edge of the cliff and not knowing how and where to go is more scary than simply frustrating, so I was frustrated because I was scared. Now I’m frustrated again for partly the same reason, paying for Seminary when you have money tied to grades and then the fear of not being able to make the grades and not being able to make them because you have so much to attend to. It’s definitely frustrating, not knowing and then also not being where you want to be.
I must keep telling myself the love Christ has for me. Which I don’t like, primarily because I feel like I should know it by now. Not because I don’t like it though, I assure you! It’s just the first thing I seem to forget, and the easiest thing I seem to forget is the love of God for me. He is far more concerned with me than I could even know and that, because of this, everything that I go through is all for my good for his good purposes. It seems so hard to believe sometimes when you don’t know what the heck is going on and you’re just trying to make it through the next paper, test, weekend, etc. Yet it is also comforting, especially comforting is how often I am reassured by everyone that I am meant for this. Because often I forget that too, but the people who love me most and are the most willing, at least I would hope, to tell me when I am going the wrong direction, tell me that I am at the right place and doing the right thing, going in the right direction.
Trust sucks. I’ll admit it. Trust sucks because it’s hard, especially trusting God. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love it, it just means that I have to depend on not knowing and going totally on faith in trusting God. That’s scary for me, I am such an analytical, understanding based person and the thing I am called to most in my life and relationship with God is to not know and just take a, seemingly, giant step off this cliff into the abyss of the unknown trusting and totally depending on God’s love and call for my life. Which for now is into school debt and ridiculous busyness trusting that not only will God pull me through, but that God has some sort of prosperity on the other side, be it freedom from debt or, and even better I would say, a deeper more real knowledge of his trustworthiness, faithfulness and love.
Though I would totally get the last part if it was freedom from debt…. haha!